Turner’s Self-loathing In Nickel Boys By Colson Whitehead Essay Example

I think almost everyone today can relate to hating themselves, especially in their teenage years. Whether it’s the way your body looks, your personality, your little quirks, there is something that at one point in your life, you despised about yourself. This self-loathing can take a lot of work to overcome, and sometimes it feels easier to just give up. It is appealing to just pack your bags and become someone new, someone that isn’t yourself. To inhabit a seemingly flawless new body and personality will always hold a certain shine. In the novel The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead, one of the main characters, Turner, decides to take on the life of his late friend, in order to start anew. Because of Turner’s self-loathing, he rejects his identity in favor of Elwood's. 

It is not just because of Elwood’s untimely passing that Turner stems his self-hatred from, but rather is ingrained into him from a very young age. His mother was an alcoholic, and prized the drink over her son, something that can really damage a person’s self-confidence for the rest of the their lives. To be told as a child that you are worth less than a bottle of Tequila is a low blow. “Turner knew his mother loved him. She just loved liquor more.” (125). Because of this, it is forever ingrained in his mind and soul that he is inherently invaluable.

Later in his life, when he is a young teenager, he is friendly with the white customers at a bowling alley he works at, and he is ostracized for it by the older black men in the kitchen, someone that Turner inevitably looks up too.  “I see you out there, shucking and jiving for these white people. Ain’t nobody ever teach you some self-respect?” (95). This remark gets under his skin, and what ultimately leads him back to Nickel again. He was trying to gain friendship and human connection, however shallow, as he was clearly not getting it at home, and he is made fun of for it. The cook convinces Turner that he is a disgrace to not only himself, but the black community. As such, he views himself as even lower than he previously did, and views himself as a delinquent, leading to his loop of bad-doing and his stays at Nickel. 

As an adult, Elwood’s death knocks Turner to the lowest rung of the self-esteem ladder. He has a severe case of survivors guilt, and that is the surface motivation for Turner’s identity change. He says that he is living his life in the way that Elwood would have wanted to live, “[he] turned into a man he thought Elwood would have been proud of.” (pg #). In reality, the identity change is due to the intense hatred that he feels for himself, goaded on by the survivors guilt. This sense is so strong that he feels that even his wife will not love him for whom he truly is. 

This self-hatred has ingrained itself so deep, that it is a part of Turner’s identity, leading to the change as an adult. He is cynical and pessimistic as a child, as a result from his rocky childhood and constantly being told that he is not valuable, leading to him becoming juvenile, which again leads to low self-worth… it’s all one big cycle. However, he also saw himself as hardened to the ways of the world, and felt that he could teach Elwood these. ““ Damn. Turner said. “You don’t know.”” (79). Turner liked Elwood because he made him feel useful, and made him feel valuable, which is why the survivors guilt hit as hard as it did. Elwood was the only person that made Turner feel worth something. 

Turner not only hates his personal identity, but his community ones as well. He hates his time at Nickel, and the Nickel students that served with him. They remind him of the bad things that he’s done as a result of hating himself, again leading to a cycle of hatred. He has negative feelings toward the black communities that he is a part of, especially in his hometown. This is shown in the bowling alley scene, as well as the disdain that Turner has for most of his fellow students, not only because they are Nickel students, but because they are black Nickel students. He sees himself as inherently worse, which leads to him seeing people like him worse as well. In this way, he is giving into the so called ‘ways of the world’ that he grew up in, and not recognizing the internalized racism that he is exhibiting. At the same time, he recognizes that he belongs in these communities, and fostered community identity together, with an “us vs. them” mentality. “...he was all of them in one black body, and he was going to knock that white boy out.” (97). 

When Turner looks at Elwood, he sees something that he would like to have. Elwood is naive, sure, but he is also optimistic, and has a bright future. Elwood never gave up, and Turner admired that. Elwood knew who he was, and he liked what he saw. “...there are forces that want to keep you down...and in the face of all those things,...you have to stand up straight and maintain the sense of who you are.” (27). Turner did not. “Who am I?” (206). Elwood is an activist, and is trying to climb the ladder in the world, Elwood is reaching for success. Turner would have liked to be these things. Despite the self-esteem issues, Turner really did care for his brothers, his friends, his community. “...they were all in this city together, unlikely cousins.” (160). Although he thinks he doesn’t deserve love, he can’t help but dish it out. Turner sees Elwood’s activism and his bright future, and he wants that for him. He doesn’t think that he could pull it off, but he wants this future for Elwood. So when Elwood dies, he sees this as a kind of duty, something that he must do, not for himself, not for Elwood, but for the whole of his community. 

Rejection is also a part of Turner’s decision to take Elwood’s identity. He rejects his time at Nickel, seeing lots of old students in New York but failing to say hello, to catch up. He rejects his past, refusing to tell his wife, his coworkers, or even Elwood. “Turner never talked about his old life.” (93). He takes on a cynical nature before he is even out of childhood, a hard shell to defend against his experiences. He rejects love, refusing to tell his wife his real identity in fear that she will not like him for who he is, for the lie he told him and himself for most of his life. This goes hand in hand, again, with his self-hatred. He does not like himself, so he fears that no one else will either, and so he gives up. He rejects himself. He isn’t himself anymore, he is someone new, someone with promise, someone better than Turner. 

Turner does not like himself, which leads to a long line of decision that lead to him taking Elwood’s identity. He despises both his personal identity, with his experiences (like Nickel, his childhood, the person that used to be) and his communities. He hates Nickel students, because they remind him of his time there, and what he did to get in, he doesn’t like the black community, especially in his hometown, as they made fun of him for trying to find a human connection, something that he desperately wanted and needed but could not find at home, and he hates his home, as he could not find that above-mentioned connection through his mother, and makes decisions that find him in reformatory school. He hates himself because of the survivors guilt that he takes on when Elwood dies, and the teacher/mentor relationship that they had. Elwood was the only person that made Turner feel wanted, feel valuable, and it impacted him to the nth degree. Because of all of these things, because of the inherent hatred of who he was and is as a person, Turner takes Elwood’s identity. He sees Elwood and notices something that he does not have, something that he thought he could never have. He sees success, and he sees happiness. That bright future that Elwood was headed for could not go to waste, so Turner took it. Turner took it, and he made something out of it, whether it was good for himself or not. Because, in the long run, he didn't care about himself enough for him to realize that. Turner took Elwood’s identity because of his intense self-hatred.